that is the size of a tic-tac.
Tiny. Real tiny, yet so powerful.
It overwhelms me and swallows
me whole as if I were nothing.
Nothing.
It wasn't supposed to hurt so bad.
It wasn't supposed to hurt at all.
But I was there and she was there.
They were there too and it happened.
The world enclosed and I was the
only one with the subtle screaming
of my heart as my hands caressed
the unique texture of my result
slip.
I had planned to be pleasantly surprised.
This was not expected. No.
"If only I had another A, I'd be
satisfied". Yea right. If I had
another A, I would have asked for
another. Now I'm left feeling beaten
down over something as small as
a tic-tac.
What am I going to do now? Dates are
passing without waiting for me. Cruel
cruel time. The independent being.
I do not want to diminish
the meaning and significance of the
Harikiri, but I feel as though I
somewhat understand how much
shame can influence you.
That much.
What I cannot comprehend is my
inability to let this go. Everything
seems so surreal. Not a dream
but a figment of my imagination.
It is coming across as if providence
doesn't exist.
This is ironic, I guess, since I'm
agnostic. I've never shied away
aggressively from religion. I believe
I've probably been waiting for
something that would convince me
totally. This isn't it.
But who am I kidding? I wouldn't
have been urged towards God
if I had done well either. I'm
in a mess.
I just wish someone would tell
me what to do, that is,
of course, in accordance to what
I want.
I know I am going against the
norm all because I am afraid.
I am afraid that I cannot make it
to the norm; that I cannot make it
in the norm; that I cannot make it
out of the norm.
And, I guess, what I really
fear is that I would be part of
the norm and un-special.
I didn't stand out this time
and so I need to rectify that
by coming back with something others do not have due to the
very fact that they were better
than me in this horrid play
of fate.
I have to go overseas and be
different. My parents do not
understand my burning need
to be apart from everyone.
The more my mum tells me about
being like the rest, the more
agitated I get by the fact that
I was going to end up as a
robot of this society.
Studying abroad gives me the
opportunity to be different from
the society there and allows me
to be differentiated from the
rest of the people that the
Singapore education system tries to
produce.
Looking at a self-portrait of myself
now. It is a little bit deformed, due to
my lack of artistic- genius genes,
and it looks a tat bit abstract.
The fake smile; the sad eyes.
The nose looks perfect though.
As a whole, that picture is indeed,
perfect.
That's what I need to be now.
I am a little bit disoriented, I admit.
However, I need to put on a smile
to hide my crying emotions and
carry on with life. I'll let my
nose lead the way; make the
necessary decisions now and
wait for the next miracle to happen.
